Tebow-Brady,Best offense-Best defense, Everybody believes in us-Nobody believes in us, and wishing Gus Johnson could announce the Pats-Broncos game are all major storylines on Divisional weekend in the NFL. I'm helping out with taking down Christmas decorations, but that's not stopping me from watching all four games and shirking all homework/end of Christmas related responsibilities.Here is exactly what happened between the days of 1/14/11 and 1/15/11.
SAINTS VS 49ERS
3:56 I flip to the NFL Pregame show just in time to see Don Rickles insult the entire FOX staff. Typical dentist joke for Strahan, typical hair insult for Jimmie Johnson, and an "I never heard of you and furthermore, I don't care" insult for Kirk Menaphee. Or is it Kurt? I really don't care either.
4:02 I really don't understand why Packers-Giants and Pats-Broncos were that much more interesting to the public than Saints-Niners. I kinda get why Pats-Broncos would be more interesting, but everybody's gonna regret jumping on the Giants bandwagon once the Packers beat them down. Nobody's been paying attention to the Pack all week, everybody's been jumping on the Giants without mentioning that their secondary is overdue for a terrible game. Niners-Saints looks way more interesting, a great defense facing off against a historic offense. I'm going with the Niners in this game for the same reason, everybody's piling on the Saints and their offense without mentioning the Niners' equally great defense. I've seen the Saints D give up some long drives this year, and the Niners do the "get three-four yards per carry, milk the time of possession, always remember the field position battle" routine better than anyone. I like this matchup for San Fran.
4:10 Just watched the "Sounds of the game" FOX and the Niners look 10 times more pumped up about this game than the Saints. Also, the first "Why aren't you helping Dad with the Christmas stuff?" question from Mom happened a few minutes ago. I'm setting the over-under for these questions at 15 for the weekend.
4:21 Just got treated to a segment where Donald Trump picks football games and says that he unofficially bought Tebow Time. Is it any surprise that he picked all the favorites? I think he just pulled up a computer with all the lines, picked the favorites, and mixed in some of his typical Trump superlatives like "luxurious" and "amazing". It's pretty much impossible to be a bigger blowhard than Trump at this point.
4:34 Brees! Smith! It's the NFC Divisional Playoffs on FOX!!!!
4:38 Saints already at midfield on a Darren Sproles 10 yard run. If there's one player that I could see killing the Niners in this game, it's Sproles. In the playoffs, it's very rarely the star that kills you, it's always the secretly terrifying guy that gets overlooked because of the star. Sproles has the stats, skills, and height for the role. As I write this, the Saints are now in the red zone on a pass interference call. Uh-oh.
4:43 Carlos Rogers just dropped an interception that could have killed the Saints' momentum. Instead, the Saints have 1st and goal. It bears mentioning that Jimmy Graham isn't in there anymore, the Niners can be very successful making the Saints match field goals with them.
4:46 Donte Whitner causes a HUGE fumble that the announcers could not rally the proper enthusiasm for. The Niners need a couple of these plays to win considering the fact that they practically send Akers out on first and goal from the 5.
4:52 Niners at midfield as Alex Smith whips a ball five yards behind Ted Ginn. That's really the strongest case for the Saints in a nutshell, the fact that they're going against Alex Smith. A big fumble that happened just now definitely did not help matters.
4:58 The announcers just mentioned a play action pass, prompting dad to ask "What's a play action?" for about the millionth time in ten years. It's almost turned in to a running joke over the years. The Saints just punted after Aldon Smith sacked Drew Brees. Nobody's heard of this guy, but he's had 14 sacks over the course of the season. These are precisely the type of guys who kill you in the playoffs.
5:02 TOUCHDOWN 49ers!!!! Alex Smith threw a 49 yard touchdown pass to Vernon Davis. Davis had the Saints beat roughly one second after he got off the line and ran through Malcolm Jenkins' half-hearted attempt at tackling him. 7-0 Niners.
5:04 I forget which soda is running those"It's not for women" ads, but they're definitely getting sued over it. Martha Burke might be picketing their headquarters right now.
5:09 Brees just threw a pick that the Niners returned to the 5. I've gotta say, the Niners defense has been fantastic at taking away the deep ball. It's first and goal at the four, is David Akers coming out yet?
5:10 Second and goal, are we there yet?
5:11 Third and goal, we just got a camera shot of Alex Smith making the Alex Smith face, Akers might as well start trotting out.
5:12 OK never mind, the Niners just scored. 14-0 San Fran. The Saints have not shown up so far, they haven't looked remotely inspired since the goal line fumble. The Niners are playing like this game is roughly a million times more important to them. It's like Santonio Holmes has invaded the Saints.
5:14 Niners just got the ball on a botched kickoff and several Niners and Saints get in to a scuffle at the end of the play. You might see someone on the Saints pull an Andrew Bynum style body slam on one of the Niners.
5:19 FOX just showed a graphic that stated the Niners' average starting field position is at the Saints' 43. Also, here comes David Akers. Whew. Having Alex Smith throw three touchdowns before halftime in a playoff game would bring about the apocalypse. 17-0 Niners.
5:27 Saints are currently challenging the ruling on the field of a fumble. They'd better, that would make four turnovers before the second quarter is half over. This is just a dominating performance by the Niners' defense, they're refusing to let Colston breathe and Brees has been forced to check it down more times than he had in the whole Detroit game. Also, I'm amazed that I've gone back and forth between the disassembled Christmas tree and the laptop a dozen times and only partially broke one ornament.
5:31 Saints win the challenge. That could build a little momentum for a team that has less than none of it.
5:33 Jimmy Graham is back and just made a catch that put the Saints inside the Niners 15 yard line.
5:34 And the Saints finally get on the board with the Red Zone Target Jimmy Graham, although they were saved by a no challenge on a Chris Ivory fumble. If the Niners blow this game, that one's getting replayed on every postgame special for two days afterwards. 17-7 Saints.
5:37 You know how when cutting away or to a game, the production crew always shows those view of random people and sights in whatever city they're in? Some idiot on a cable car was doing the whole "look at me, I'm on TV!!! No, seriously! I"M ON TV!!!!!" routine. I hate those people.
5:40 Just checking facebook during a down moment during the game and I've already seen three "the Saints suck" style status updates. You know it's a big game when at least five non-avid football people comment on the game. The only thing that you need to know about the Tebow game is that over 25 people on my friends list commented immediately after Tebow's TD.
5:51 Touchdown Saints! Brees just threw a 23 yard touchdown to Marques Colston. That was the first time we've seen the old Drew Brees, that was such perfect location that I think Kenny Albert might have cried. 17-14 Niners.
6:03 Saints had the momentum until Brees threw his second pick of the day. As Rich Eisen would say, "Momentum just put on a gold dome".
6:09 Niners have to punt it back to the Saints with a minute left. I like what the Niners did this half, they forced turnovers and took the Saints out of what they wanted to do. However, it's a little unsettling that the Candlestick Park JumboTron operator decided to play heavy rock music as Brees walked out on to the field; the "I'm going to kick everybody's butt" type of music that they play in action movies during the most awesome montage.
6:12 Niners are about to get the ball back with thirty seconds left. I guess the montage music only works for Rambo, Chuck Norris, and Tim Tebow.
6:15 IT"S A FUMBLE!!!! AND THE SAINTS HAVE IT!!!!
6:20 17-14 Niners at the half.
6:31 The second half comes back with FOX showing the obligatory highlight reel of the first half with Knigts of Cydonia blaring in the background. I'm pretty sure that there's a "you must play Knights of Cydonia at least once every two weeks" clause in FOX's contract with the NFL.
6:34 Tony Siragusa took off an ugly pair of shades that he was wearing in the first half. Somehow, this made him look worse.
6:38 After another turnover by the Saints (that makes 5), we have a bigger 30 second fight. It looks like some punches might have been thrown, but no unsportsmanlike conduct penalties were issued, although you could make the case that the entire Saints' special teams is unsportsmanlike.
6:41 After Crabtree's third drop, here comes David Akers.
6:42 Akers is good on the field goal, 20-14 Niners. I'm waiting for Brees to punish the Niners for all the wasted opportunities, but the Saints' offense has been largely unsportsmanlike today.
6:47 Brees just connected with Colston for over thirty yards for his first long pass today. The Saints are now on the Niners' side of the field. Jim Harbaugh looks nervous.
6:59 Just as I thought "I need something interesting to happen, nothing has happened in the last twelve minutes", Brees completes a 20 yard pass to kick off a Saints drive.
7:05 It's been a defensive battle during the last eight minutes with nothing that interesting happening on either side. I'm hoping that this token "nothing is happening" comment does not have to persist the entire Ravens-Texans game.
7:11 Ted Ginn is being helped off the field after being incidentally kicked in the behind by Jabari Greer; although when you consider the vicious pick that Ginn laid on him I'm not so sure it was "incidental".
7:13 I've gotta hand it to the Niners, their coverage has been phenomenal. I've never seen so many checkdowns in any game, much less from Drew Brees. Unfortunately, the Niners' pass rush has apparently died since we last saw them in the third quarter. No, that's what happened! I saw them an hour ago and they were fine! We need to get them in the emergency room, quick!!!
7:17 Cool, I was wondering when FOX was going to show the turnover margin graphic. Let me get this straight, teams with +4 turnover margins usually win? We're positive?
7:20 The Saints tack on a Jon Kasay field goal after narrowly missing a big Colston touchdown. 20-17 Niners.
7:25 Niners get a huge break after a dropped interception by the Saints. Each team is going to be kicking themselves after this game in some way or another.
7:29 It's a miracle!! The Niners' pass rush, they're gonna make it!!! Vital signs looking good, they're in stable condition.
7:33 Here comes Gore.... GET OFF ME!!! FRANK GORE! ONE OF THE HARDEST RUNNERS IN THE LEAGUE!!!!!! SHUT UP DREW BREES!!!!!!! Sorry, I was briefly possessed by the spirit of the Marshawn Lynch video guy.
7:34 Third and six on the Saints' 18, is Akers coming out yet?
7:35 And Akers knocks it through!! 23-17 Niners.
7:38 The Niners' special teams has done a fantastic job, I'm pretty sure that the Saints have not started past the 20 yard line. Of course, just as I think that, Daryl Johnston chimes in "This coverage team has been fantastic today". Also, Tony Siragusa looks even worse than last time; he's got that "I wish this game would end, I'm late for dinner" look that Santonio Holmes had going all year.
7:40 We're halfway through the fourth and the Saints are starting to drive down the field. There's nothing more agonizing than leading for the whole game only to lose it on a last minute drive. I think that's what we're heading towards.
7:44 Not only is that what just happened, it was a Brees to Sproles 44 yard touchdown. If I call one more of these sneaky playoff killers, I'll be qualified to write a small book called "Guys who Murder You in the Playoffs". The unassuming co-star, the sneaky good/silently terrifying guy, the guy that's way better than everybody gives him credit for, the veteran that's overdue for a big game, and Tim Tebow are all subcategories.
7:48 And then there's Alex Smith, who definitely falls in to the "none of the above" category, who is being called upon to save the Niners season.
7:49 And Smith just completed a 37 yard perfectly thrown pass to Vernon Davis. Unbelievable. I think it's a given that, one way or another, this game is ending up in David Akers' hands.
7:51 12 Men in the Huddle called on the Niners. Not only did things just become very difficult for the Niners, I think Jim Harbaugh just had a heart attack.
7:53 Touchdown San Francisco!!! Alex Smith (no seriously, Alex Smith) just took it in on a QB rollout. If there is a playcall Hall of Fame, that QB rollout is right up there. The two point conversion is no good. 29-24 Niners.
7:58 The Excellent Niners Coverage Team just stuck the Saints at the twelve yard line. Brees has just over two minutes left with one timeout. It's Here Goes Nothing time for the Saints. Also, it's probably going to be dinner time soon so I might have to start the Pats-Broncos diary a little bit late. Sorry about that. Also, Brees just attempted his 61st pass to get the Saints to their own 34 yard line.
8:03 TOUCHDOWN SAINTS!! Brees threw a 66 yard touchdown pass to Jimmy Graham. Pending two point conversion. Now being asked to save the season yet again; Alex Smith.
8:10 And Alex Smith just saved the season!!!!! Smith threw another huge long pass to Vernon Davis, and then yet another pass to Vernon Davis for the game-wining touchdown. I don't know if that's a sign of the apocalypse, but I'm moving down to the basement anyways for the next couple hours. Hey, you never know when Tebow's involved.
Niners 36 Saints 32. Parts of the Mega-Diary completed: 1 out of 4. Number of times Mom told me to help with the Christmas stuff, 5.
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