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Friday, September 23, 2011

Some Thoughts About Who's Who in the NFL (Or Slice's cop-out really short column)

                                 
We have two weeks in the bag in the 2011 National Football League Season. Now we approach the pivotal Week 3. Weeks 3-5 are like middle school/ beginning of high school for football teams. You start figuring out what your identity is and how you stack up against everybody else. As we head in to these weeks, watch for teams that don't have identities that have winning records. You can't survive in the playoffs winning each game a different way. More on that later. Anyways, it's time to figure out who the upper echelon is, who wont get there this year, and who will never approach it. I'm not doing a picks column this week (if you want my picks, friend me on ESPN.com and you can see my Pigskin Pick Em page. I went 12-4 last week, so I'm not too bad. At least this is what I keep telling myself.) because I want to do a different kind of column this week (Real reason: I have too much work to do a picks column, I want to go see Moneyball/Bucky Larson this weekend, and also I'M LAZY.)
                                      PLAYOFF TEAMS THAT I'M WORRIED ABOUT
I'm not counting any playoff team that's obviously terrible (Colts and Chiefs) because, uh, you don't need me to tell you that they're terrible. I'm here to try to figure out which teams that could falter that aren't so obvious. Right now, I'm worried about the Jets, the Falcons, the Chargers, and the Saints. The Jets and the Falcons (my favorite team and my Super Bowl pick) can be grouped in to the same category of good teams with no identity. The Jets have the "Ground and Pound" philosophy since Rex Ryan came and have ran it with a great deal of success. However, the offensive line is starting to give out. Nick Mangold is injured for a few games, Wayne Hunter is awful, and we learned in the preseason that Vladimir Ducasse is just as terrible. Shonn Greene is not an elite back, but he can be good behind a competent offensive line. Now, it's not apparent just what the Jets are. Sanchez seems to be improving, giving us the notion that this could be a passing team in a few years. However, the defense and running game look questionable in the early goings (I'm not sold on a great performance against the Black Sheep McCown Brother. Also, I would like to correct last week's column. McCown started Weeks 1 and 2, not Gabbert. Maybe I was just too depressed to think of a McCown brother starting in the NFL). Meanwhile, the Falcons' defense is in infinitely worse shape and the offensive line can't protect Matty Ice. I would be concerned if I were a Falcons fan. Do I regret picking them for the Super Bowl, even though they pulled out a win against the Eagles last week? Um, yes. Yes I do. The Chargers and Saints have identities that simply dont work. The Saints have the "We're not going to bother playing inspired defense, we'll just have to outscore you" identity. That does not work. EVER. The Seahawks beat them last year and revealed the Saints' secondary troubles, now the Saints are showing all of us that they have learned nothing from last year. The Chargers have perhaps the most talented team in football, but the Chargers keep shooting themselves in the foot. The Chargers had seven possessions inside Patriot territory through the halfway point in the third quarter and had only seven points to show for it. The Chargers committed three turnovers and failed to convert a fourth and goal from the one yard line. On a master list of "Types of teams who don't win playoff games", non-fundamentally sound teams are number one and all offense no defense is number 2. Anyways, watch out for these teams to stumble in the upcoming weeks.
                                                               7UP
1. New England Patriots and Green Bay Packers: Teams with established quarterbacks and veteran leaders were in the best position to survive the lockout.
2. Darren McFadden's Fantasy Stock: It's through the roof at this point. I expect a great year from McFadden. Imagine what could happen if the Raiders' line were decent.
3. Detroit Lions: I never expected the Lions to be this good. However, I would buy Lions stock cautiously, two of their top players are injury risks. If Stafford and Calvin Johnson stay healthy, this is a dangerous team.
4. Drew Brees: Brees might be on his way to regaining his undisputed "Best in the league" status after two unbelievable games. Too bad New Orleans' defense is made of those crash test dummies.
5. Retro Uniforms: They're still hip!! The Jets' ugly 1950s color scheme unis propelled them to a demolishing of the Jags. I'm convinced that every struggling team should come up with a random alternate uniform to turn their season around. Trust me, it will work.
6. Bucky Larson References: HE'S BORN TO BE A STAR!!!!! RATED R!!!!!!!!
7. The AFC East: Three of the seven 2-0 teams are in the AFC East (Bills, Jets, Pats). The divisional games and level of competition will be as heated as ever between the Jets and the Patriots, and relevant for the first time ever between the Bills and Jets/Pats.

                                                              7DOWN
1. Reviews for Bucky Larson: "A part of my soul died while watching this movie" Haters.
2 Colts and Chiefs: Ouch. This is the first time I've ever seen two playoff teams fall this far. These two teams are not only bad, they are life-alteringly terrible. As in "They have a serious chance of going 0-16" terrible. It's borderline funny at this point, and we're only in Week Two.
3. Guys starting ahead of 2011 Rookie QBs: Blaine Gabbert is getting thrown in to the fire after the Black Sheep McCown brother predictably sucked. Matt Hasselbeck is proving that he isn't completely over the hill, and Donovan McNabb is still in his football Mid-Life Crisis. Not a great time for these guys.
4. NFL Sunday Ticket: 300 dollars per year? Really? I can get myself a nice new iPod for that. Or a really crappy car. Or keep it and say that I have about as much money as Bucky Larson made in three weeks (two more Larson references to go before I break the record). Anyways, I'll save my money and settle for a few games per week.
5.The Brady Rule: I can understand wanting to protect the quarterback's legs, but this has gotten ridiculous. A 15 yard penalty after Raheem Brock was pushed in to Ben Roethlisberger's legs? Really? Soon we'll have defensive players having to ask for permission before they can sack the QB.
6: Jamaal Charles: At least he can look at the framed photos/ Youtube videos of last season. I was kinda sad to see him go. Until next year, Jamaal.
7. Too much Homework: It sucks. Sadly, you'll probably be seeing more of these really quick articles because of the too much HW actor during the week. I will try to put in a longer piece time permitting, but it looks like I'll have to keep these shorter for the foreseeable future. Oh, and one more thing. Wait for it....... Wait for it....... BUCKY LARSON BORN TO BE A STAR RATED R!!!!!!!!!!

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