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Sunday, February 5, 2012

The Super-Diary

6:30 And the Super Bowl has begun!!! By the way, I promise to get back to regular columns soon, just been Super-busy lately.
6:33 Just a sign of how extensive the pre-game coverage has been; my mom knows who Vince Wilfork is. My dad still does not know what color uniforms the Giants wear.
6:35 Giants have 1st and 10 around the 35. This is the kind of start that you need to have against the Pats, otherwise you're going to get in the hole momentum-wise. By the way, these are my two least favorite teams.
6:37 The drive stalls after two sacks of Manning. Pats start the next drive at their own 5.
6:39 Audi went with a vampire theme for their Super Bowl Commercial. I blame Twilight. Then again, I blame Twilight for a lot of things.
6:41 Safety! 2-0 Giants on intentional grounding in own end zone by Brady. Does not look like any kind of intentional grounding I've ever seen, but then again screw Brady
6:44 You know how Super Bowl crowds are usually neutral? That's out the window in this one, they might as well be playing in the Meadowlands with how few Pats fans there are.
6:46 Giants are already driving on to the Pats side of the field. Seeing as how the Giants shocked them in the 07 Super Bowl and they beat them earlier this year, the Pats don't look nearly as pissed as they should be. One of my sacred rules of predicting games is "pick the team that looks way more excited". Let's just say the Giants qualify.
6:49 Potentially huge turnover gets nullified by 12 Men On the Field for the Pats. Giants now have Second and Goal at the two.
6:51 Touchdown Giants! Eli Manning threw a two yard touchdown to Victor Cruz. Al Michaels described New England's performance as "un-Patriotlike". I would make a "that means they forgot to plant the cameras" joke before I remembered that I'm a Jets fan and can't make jokes like that until the season's over.
6:54 We have our first Celebrity Apprentice commercial featuring Jon Gaudi's daughter and Adam Carolla. To say that Trump is scraping the bottom of the barrel is an understatement.
6:56 Another great Super Bowl prop bet, is Smash or The Voice going to have more commercials? The line is Smash by 2.5.
6:59 First down New England at the 32 after a 19 yard completion to Welker. The Pats are starting to get in to the Hurry-Up offense as Al Michaels reminds us how well they ran the hurry-up against the Jets. Lets just say that I didn't need the reminder. End of the first quarter Giants 9 Pats 0
7:01 And we have a GoDaddy commercial with Danica Patrick! Remember back in 2003 when those commercials were considered inappropriate? Then Janet Jackson's wardrobe malfunction happened and those commercials didn't seem so bad by comparison.
7:05 Pats convert a field goal to make it 9-3 Giants.
7:07 Great Doritos commercial. If only life's problems could be solved by bribing people with Doritos.
7:09 This year's Super Bowl commercials was everybody's worst kept secret, you could almost view the whole lineup online. In a semi-related story, it's one to one in the Smash vs Voice bowl.
7:11 Someday, I would really like to pretend this Super Bowl never happened. Just putting that out there.
7:13 Commercial for the new Disney movie the Lorax features this Lorax responding to the question of whether he would hit a woman with "That's a woman?". That's what I found myself saying so often at Cotillion last weekend.
7:15 Howard Stern is joining America's Got Talent. The over/under on accidentally inappropriate jokes is at 9 in three episodes.
7:17 After a 12 Men in the Huddle penalty, Tom Coughlin's face has a reddish hue. That's another interesting prop bet, what color will Tom Coughlin's face be for the majority of the night?  I'm going to lay fifteen dollars on light violet.
7:22 Brady's had two passes batted down so far. That's another thing that the Giants do really well, taking away some short routes by batting passes down.
7:24 Travis Beckum is out of the game with an ACL tear, which is a much bigger deal than you'd think. Also, injury reports are really the only situation where sideline reporters are needed.
7:25 As the Giants start their next drive, I really have to wonder where Rob Gronkowski has been. If the Pats lose this game, then Bernard Karmell Pollard will have murdered the 08,09,and 11 Patriots seasons. Unbelievable.
7:27 NBC Broadcast team shows an offensive line graphic where all of the Giant O-Line has their hands out and looks like they're trying to catch and eat a mouse or something. Comedy galore.
7:30 Steve Weatherford pins the Pats inside their own five yet again. Yet another punter that the Jets cut that turned out to be great. Hey, who needs that guy when you've got T.J. Conley and his 35 yard net punting average?
7:33 The Giants are absolutely slaughtering the Pats in time of possession and total plays run. The Pats should really count themselves as lucky to only be down 9-3.
7:34 Gronkowski finally shows up and catches a 20 yard completion for a first down. He's the X Factor in this game, if he can get rolling the Pats are unstoppable. If he's average, then the Pats are beatable. If he disappears, then the Giants have a huge advantage.
7:35 We're hopelessly outgunned. Mankind is on the brink of extermination. The man we need..... is Robert Downey Jr.
7:37 I'm all for battling childhood obesity,  but I'm not sure I'd qualify my Kinect as exercise.
7:38 This is really a no-win situation for Peton Manning, he's 37 and coming off neck surgery and now has to watch either his biggest rival or his much less cool brother win a Super Bowl on his home field. Meanwhile, if he even decides to play next year, he'll be banished to football hell in Jacksonville or Buffalo. I almost feel sorry for the guy. You know, as much as you can feel sorry for a guy who has made hundreds of millions of dollars over fifteen years.
7:41 Brady is doing a fantastic job running the two-minute offense. When he's on, he's the most terrifying QB in the league. As a Jet fan, I will never be happier to see a player retire.
7:45 Pats are just outside the Giants 10 and I think I'm in hell right now.
7:47 Touchdown Patriots. Pats 10 Giants 9. I would be depressed before I realized that I'm ending up depressed no matter who wins this.
7:50 And the half is over. I am going to go eat dinner and skip the soul-sucking Madonna performance. Be back in a few.
8:22 And we're back as the Pats have the ball at the 20 to start the half.
8:23 First play is a 20 yard completion to Ocho. That's another thing that I hate about the Pats, the fact that they can practically start the stadium janitor at wide receiver and he'd get six catches for seventy yards and a touchdown.
8:25 Even though we just came from halftime, you can see the Giant defense tiring. The most sickening part about this offense is that you can see everything that's about to happen before it happens. You can see the defense tiring, you can see the offensive line generating more and more push at the line of scrimmage, you can predict everything before it happens. I've mentioned the fact that I hate these guys, right?
8:28 Touchdown Pats. Brady to Hernandez 12 yards. This is truly the Super Bowl From Hell
8:29 We're up to three Smash commercials and one The Voice commercial. The Voice might be able to pull off a backdoor cover.
8:33 Big third down conversion from Manning to Nicks. That's the great part about having two elite receivers, you'll usually have one of them open because the defense rolls all their coverage to the other one.
8:35 Giants just outside the Pats red zone. I never realized how tiny the Patriots corners are, I feel like I'm almost taller than them. Then again, you could put in corners that aren't taller than Earl Boykins when you have Tom Brady on offense.
8:37 Lawrence Tynes kicks a field goal to make the score Pats 17 Giants 12. Whatever happens, the Giants can't afford to let the Pats go up by more than ten points.
8:39 To be honest, I never really think about hot women when I see a Fiat. But if Fiat says that's what I should be thinking about.....
8:42 Coca-Cola's really going all-in with those old school polar bear commercials. It's getting to the point where I would like to have the polar bear in my living room just so I could tell him to shut up. If you couldn't tell, the Super Bowl from Hell is making me bitter and sarcastic about everything.
8:46 Pierre-Paul looks shaken up, uh-oh.
8:47 The Giant pass rush so far has been underwhelming to say the least. You always get trouble when you give Brady more than about two and a half seconds to throw. Of course, Brady got sacked to end a Pats drive as soon as I finished typing that.
8:50 Yep, The Voice just logged its second commercial of the Night. Vegas just begged you to lay money on Smash. Also, the announcers are now talking about how great of a job Shaun Ellis is doing. I was wondering if this night could get more depressing.
8:51 Lucky break for the Giants as Hynoski reocvers a Nicks fumble. I'm not saying that this is a sure sign that the Giants are going to win, but this stuff always happens to teams that are about to win the Super Bowl. Don't take that comment at face value because I'm trying to convince myself of every reason why the Pats can't win. I've mentioned that I hate them, right?
8:55 Tynes drills a field goal to make it Pats 17 Giants 15. Even that makes me uncomfortable because all the Pats need is one touchdown plus extra point to make it a two score game again. At least the momentum is no longer solidly on the Pats side, no team in the league takes advantage of momentum quite like New England.
8:59 In to the fourth we go with the Pats up by two.
9:02 If Manning wins this game, he surpasses Roethlisberger and takes the number four spot behind Rodgers, Brees, and Brady. If Brady wins, that puts him past Brees as the best QB in the league in my mind.
9:03 Brady is picked down the field by Chase Blackburn. That was a very smart throw by Brady, it worked out like a punt.
9:05 Yet another lucky break as a Bradshaw fumble is recovered by the Giants, after which Manning calls timeout. Tom Coughlin's face is now a strong shade of violet.
9:07 Loved the Ferris Beuhler style commercial for the CRV. Might be my favorite one of the night.
9:08 And another one for Smash! It's got The Voice on the ropes, it just needs to run out the clock.
9:09 Big third down conversion from Manning to Nicks. It's unbelievable how lucky the Giants have gotten. Two fumble recoveries, five Pats penalties, and a couple bad Brady passes despite a complete lack of pass rush. Wait, why am I complaining about this?
9:14 Giants are across midfield on a Manning to Manningham connection. This is pretty much the only time in life where I'll ever root for the Giants.
9:16 Al Michaels has done a fantastic job so far. He's pointed out that Maninngham has a tendency to fade his deep routes, which leads to incompletions. Those are the pieces of info that I'm looking for from announcers.
9:18 Eli burns another time out to avoid a five yard penalty, and then the Giants get a false start on the next play anyways. Jake Ballard ends up falling as he tries to tell Tom Coughlin that the clock is running out. Only twenty to thirty minutes before the Super Bowl from Hell is over.
9:21 New England starts this drive from the eight. The Giants have been fantastic on special teams today, it feels like the Pats haven't been starting drives on their own 35 and 40 like they usually do.
9:23 Huge conversion to Danny Woodhead for a first down at the 34. Hey, it's not like the Jets could have used him. Who needs that guy when you can have Joe McKnight?
9:26 Uh-oh, The Voice is staging a comeback, it's within one with half of the fourth quarter over.
9:28 Third and three at midfield with five and a half minutes left to go, this is a big one.
9:29 And they got it. It's not that big of a deal, the Giants still have three timeouts left. Hey wait a second, why is there only one dash under the Giants logo? Oh crap....
9:30 The Giants catch another huge break as Welker drops a deep ball from Brady. I would be shocked if the Pats win at this point. I've watched the last seven or eight Super Bowls, and it always comes down to missed opportunities and lucky breaks. I can't remember a team that won the Super Bowl that has been as unlucky as the Pats have tonight.
9:32 Manning completes a huge pass to Manningham that is currently under review. I almost feel sorry for the Pats, this will have been two Stomach Punch Super Bowls against the Giants in a row. For any Pats fans who are depressed about this (assuming that they lose), remember that you aren't the Jets.
9:36 Play stands as called. Unbelievable.
9:37 Manning to Manningham puts the Giants inside the 40 yard line. I suddenly have heartburn.
9:38 We are at the two minute warning as the Giants are inside the Patriot red zone. This has been such a good game that I'm almost forgetting how much I hate the Giants. I'll promptly remember after seeing the  Lombardi Trophy being presented to somebody.
9:39 I can't tell you how much of a buzzkill it is to see a commercial for Swamp People during the Super Bowl.
9:40 Our second Danica/Go Daddy commercial made up for the previous Buzzkill Swamp People commercial.
9:41 Nicks gets the first down inside the Pats 10 and goes out of bounds. Not a smart move. By the way, I know Markau is having a coronary right now. I still can't decide whether this is fantastic or terrible.
9:44 Touchdown New York Giants. Bradshaw was about to take a knee at the one, yet his momentum carried him in to the end zone. The two point conversion is no good. Giants 21 Pats 17.
9:45 I can't imagine what was going through Ahmad Bradshaw's mind there. If I were him, I would absolutely fake trying to take a knee and go in to the end zone so I could tell people I scored in the Super Bowl. That's reason number 3,657 I couldn't be a football player. You know, other than a lack of talent and endurance. That too.
9:47 The Pats have to drive the length of the field in under a minute, and yet I don't think it's impossible. That's how terrifying Tom Brady is.
9:48 Two straight drops by Pats receivers brings up third and ten. Wow.
9:49 Fourth and forever with 39 seconds to go. I'm not so sure I like Brady's chances here.
9:50 He converts it! Pats are on their own 42 with seventeen seconds left.
9:52 Brady and the Pats are just short of midfield with five seconds left. I can't even come up with interesting things to say anymore. I've almost whited out.
9:53 Game over. Giants 21 Patriots 17.
And thus the 2011 NFL Season comes to an end. Congratulations to the New York Giants. We'll revisit my preseason predictions to wrap up my NFL columns until the Draft. Hasta la Vista.